The (hopefully) last Nor’easter or the season is upon us, and I’m at the point of the winter that I’ve gotten pretty cocky about being able to exist without power. I can sleep in a winter hat, I can hold my breath while I pee into an unflushed toilet and I can definitely eat all the ice cream in the freezer so it doesn’t melt. But all my power losses so far have been resolved overnight, and so when I woke up yesterday morning, I was disheartened to realize that without power, I cannot use my beloved espresso maker.
I can’t honestly say that I’m not addicted to caffeine, because no one should speak to me in the morning before my coffee unless they want to feel the white hot pain of my wrath; but this isn’t about caffeine. If it were, I could drink a soda (or three) and be done with it. This is about being extremely and maybe unnecessarily stubborn about having a good cup of coffee.
That’s not just in a Nor’easter, it’s always. Here are a list of common problems standing between you and a perfectly good cup of coffee, and the best solutions, as I see them.
Problem: No Electricity
Answer: With no electricity, you’ve got no espresso maker or coffee maker. But you do have a French press, because they’re superior to other forms of coffee making. Use that on your gas stove.
Subproblem: You insist on grinding your beans fresh so you only have whole beans.
Answer: Do you have a plastic bag and a hammer?
Problem: No Water
Answer: If you have no electricity, you might have no water. I’m going to advise you to scour your house for some sort of liquid that can be used. Dissolve snow from the asshole Nor’easter that just took out the power lines, steal water left in the glasses by your children’s bedsides, melt the ice cubes from your freezer, but find water.
Problem: I Literally Have No Water
Answer: I believe in taking your coffee black, but this is an emergency! Against my better judgment I’m going to advise you to use milk or cream and make your coffee straight into that. Or, let’s face it, there’s ice cream that’s melting in your fridge. Heat that shit up and use it in your French press. If it’s days into your power loss and you have nothing left, pour a VIA packet or instant espresso of your choice directly into your mouth.
Problem: I Have No Gas or Electricity to Heat the Liquid
Answer: You should have though that through choosing your living arrangements. Or you should have maybe purchased one of those power generators that jumpstarts your car, charges your phone, and allows you to plug in a small appliance like your coffee maker. But you didn’t. That’s ok. Instant espresso dissolves in cold liquid too.
Problem: I Was Too Rough With My French Press and I Shattered the Glass Carafe Yesterday. (Okay, it was last week and I’ve been spending $3 a cup on espresso down the street out of sheer laziness).
Answer: Do you have electricity? Use your espresso maker, or subpar coffee maker.
Do you only have a working gas stove? Make some campfire coffee by cooking coffee and water directly on the stove. If you have a sieve you can strain it first, if not, your teeth will do the trick.
Problem: I Use K-Cups or Other Pods
Answer: You already drink shitty coffee all the time. This is for people who care. If you want to keep up the illusion, drive to a gas station and pour yourself a cup of their swill. Then take a sip, make a horrified puckered face and pretend it’s worse than what you’re used to.
Problem: I’m in Disneyworld
Answer: Oh my god, I’m so sorry, that place is the worst. And their coffee sucks too. There are a few places, like Hollywood Studios, that have Starbucks inside, and the Animal Kingdom has a decent espresso at some of the kiosks, but for the most part you are going to order coffee that tastes like brown water. My solution: instant espresso. Via Packets tend to pack a punch. They’re not delicious but they’re strong so when you’re in the hell of the Magic Kingdom, they taste like freedom. Do yourself a favor: don’t order a hot water and have to pay the prices for tea. That’s just stupid. Order a coffee and then dissolve your via packet right in it. Then you get the added bonus of being so hardcore that you just added coffee to your coffee.
Problem: I am Traveling and My Cold-Hearted Hosts Only Have a Traditional Coffee Maker
Answer: Again, cowboy coffee is probably better than your horrible drip maker coffee, but you can’t be that guest. Just use a lot more grinds then are recommended and a lot less water. Buy yourself enough time and then “go for a drive to check out the area.”
Problem: Bonus, They Are Tea Drinkers, and Oops, There Are No Filters
Answer: Still, you can’t call them out of that shit. Just use two paper towels folded into a cone and you’re good to go.
Problem: I’m Home for the Holidays and Someone Else Made a Giant Pot of Coffee. It Sucks.
Answer: Wake up earlier tomorrow, you lazy jerk. You must take control of the coffee maker. For today, pour a really big cup, put it in the microwave to “reheat it” and then wander around for a few minutes scratching your head and cursing your early onset dementia. “I swear I just saw my coffee cup.” Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, press start on the microwave or else the noise will call attention and some helpful person will bring you a cup of horrible, and now burnt, coffee. Instead, quietly make a new pot, drink happily, and around 4 pm, go to heat up something for a snack and loudly proclaim. “Oh! Here’s my fucking coffee!”
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